Hookin’ Up Is Hard to Do
So you’ve joined an adult dating site like Adult FriendFinder and emailed a few promising specimens of hotness.
Now what?
Waiting for a response to an email you sent can be agonizing – especially if you’re horny. You wait, wait, check your inbox, wait, check your inbox, wait some more – repeat nine hundred times. Whoever said anticipation is sweet is full of it, because it’s pure agony.
But what do you do when that much anticipated response never comes? Move on? Harass the person until they finally freak out and block you? Give up sex and join a convent?
Before you do anything as rash as taking a vow of celibacy, let me dish out a little advice. As a hot chick with plenty of online dating experience, I can tell you what works and what fails miserably when it comes to initial email contact.
Check out some of my expert tips for writing emails that’ll stack the deck in your favor:
1. Thoroughly read profiles before making contact. Note that I said thoroughly: don’t just skim profiles looking for hottie photos. If you read carefully, you’ll know if you’re what she´s looking for and vice versa, saving yourself a lot of time in the process. If you’re a single guy and her profile says “No single men,” chances are your message will be deleted immediately, so it’s best to just move on to someone who is looking for what you have to offer.
If you are compatible and decide to send a message, include a line that shows you read her profile; women generally appreciate the effort and will reciprocate.
2. Don’t send a form letter as a first message. If you can’t take the time to personalize a simple introductory message, why should she take the time to respond? Yes, it’s hard to personalize an email for everyone, but you don’t have to write a novel or explain the meaning of life – just a few original sentences will suffice. If you have a favorite quote or details about yourself you’d like to share, create a signature, which will appear at the bottom of every outgoing message.
3. Be honest. The Internet is a great place to fantasize about the person you want to be, but if you’re talking to someone you plan on meeting face-to-face at some point, honesty really is the best policy. This seems like a no brainer, but there are a lot of people out there who’ll show up to a first meeting hoping the other person won’t notice they’re not really a 19-year-old underwear model. In most cases this is a total deal breaker, and not only will you have wasted your time and theirs, but your ego will take a serious bruising.
4. Keep the first email short and sweet. Tell your prospective hookup about yourself and let her know you´re interested – but get right to the point. I once had a guy go on and on about how his ex-wife is a cheating whore who’s trying to “take him to the cleaners.” That’s waaay too much information for a first email, and I didn’t even want to finish reading the message let alone respond to it.
5. Be original. Try not to make generic comments such as “you’re hot” with no info about yourself and no explanation as to why you think she’s so freakin’ hot. Chances are she gets a ton of emails saying as much every day, so you’ll need something more original to spark her interest. Show your personality a little. If you have a great sense of humor, use it!
6. Don’t abbreviate too many words. An abbreviation here and there is okay, but if she needs a decoder ring to figure out what the hell you’re trying to say, chances are she´ll just hit the delete button. Something like “u are so hot!” or “I would luv 2 meet u!” is fine, but if the entire email reads like a text message composed by your 13-year-old niece, you’re just going to annoy the hell out of ppl. OMG LOL!
7. Sell yourself without sounding like a douchebag. Yes, you’re pretty awesome and you want prospective hookups to know that. But if you’re writing an extensive tribute to the miraculous wonder that is you, you’ll come off as self-centered. If you’re a successful lawyer with a huge wang, say so – but don’t brag about how you were first in your class at Harvard and how your new your Mercedes is a pussy magnet.
8. Use the right pictures. Women like to know who we’re talking to. Even if you’re not into showing your face (which is totally understandable), attach some photos of your best features like your torso, legs or even your ass. And photos of you DOING stuff are even better. One of the best emails I ever got was from a guy who told me about his hobbies and included pictures of him actually doing the things he talked about – including nude water skiing (seriously). I responded to him immediately because that made him stand out, and to this day we still hook-up from time to time.
9. And on that note, yes, crotch shots can work, but don’t use them as the only photo you send. We already know you have genitals because you’re human and we all have them. There’s no need to send pics of your package from all different angles; a person can only take so many dick pics before they all start to look alike. They’re also not great to send for an initial email. Strike up a conversation with her, see what she’s into, and then if you think she’s game, bust out the big boy.
10. End with a question. Ending an email abruptly with something like “write back if you´re interested” isn’t engaging. Asking questions will prompt your future hook-up to respond. If her profile says she’s into bondage, ask her something like ‘I see you’re into bondage, me too! How long have you been in the lifestyle?’ Easy, right?
Now take this advice and go get some for cryin’ out loud!