Classic Celebrity Sex Tapes Reviewed!
When my heartless bastard of an editor asked me to review classic celebrity porn tapes, I was appalled. As if a cultured, refined lady such as myself wants to sit around and watch hot “celebrities” have sex!
Yet, like a true, dedicated journalist, I buckled down to do my research. In doing so, I had an awakening: just because a person is sexy and famous doesn’t necessarily mean they have skills in the bedroom…or are particularly interesting to watch, for that matter.
So, I’ve put together a handy little guide to famous (and infamous) celebrity sex tapes, to save you from the grueling hours it took me to watch them all. Consider it an early Christmas gift.
And I’ll start things off with the movie that launched a thousand celebrity sex scandals….
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee
Film: Pam and Tommy Lee: Hardcore and Uncensored
Synopsis: Most of the movie is just Pam and Tommy frolicking on a yacht in Catalina, with a short road head break…because there’s ALWAYS time for a car blowjob!
What’s good: Pam looks fucking fabulous. And I know we’ve all heard jokes about how stretched out her vag is, but in this video even that looks flawless. True, that’s pre-babies, but still, it’s smooth, pink and lovely.
And if you have yet to see Tommy Lee’s trouser snake (or, rather, King Cobra), I suggest you do so immediately. It’s like the man is smuggling a garden hose in his pants. I wouldn’t even wanna attempt to have sex with it, but damn is it freakin’ amazing.
What’s bad: Tommy is obsessed with his own kickstand. Yes, it’s quite the impressive piece of equipment, but it’s not so hot when he whips it out while driving and makes “woo woo” noises. And I kept waiting for someone to cum, and it never happened. I mean I’m sure it happened off camera, but damn it, I wanna see!
Technique: Pam’s blowjob skills are impressive; especially considering she somehow manages to deep throat the equivalent of a mutant Kielbasa. And hats off to her for being woman enough to get banged by such a phenomenon and not whimper one bit.
The verdict: Check this one out. It wasn’t the kind of hot that makes me wanna jump on the next guy who walks by, but it’s a legend in its own time. And seriously, you really do have to see Tommy Lee’s love jackhammer – it’s the Eighth Wonder of the World.
Dustin Diamond aka Screech:
Film: Screeched
Synopsis: Dustin Diamond played the uber nerdy character Screech on the ’90s sitcom Saved by the Bell, the same show introduced the world to Elizabeth Berkeley in her pre-Showgirls days. Clearly, this show was a breeding ground for exceptional talent.
In “Screeched,” Dustin, referring to himself as “The D-Man” has a threesome with two decent looking chicks. It’s pretty standard stuff: they have a fuck ’n’ suck session on the bed before taking the party to the hot tub.
What’s good: As he once mentioned on last season’s Celebrity Fit Club, the D-Man is in fact packin’ heat. He’s no Tommy Lee, but his length and girth are both impressive. And the two chicks going at it on the bed were hot, but then again, that’s almost always hot, yes?
What’s bad: Screech referring to himself as the D-man is pretty lame. And I found it a little creepy that Dustin was fully dressed throughout the entire romp. It’s not like I was dying to see his physique or anything, but I just find a man who lays the pipe through the dickhole of his boxers a little…weird. I also didn’t much care for the D-Man’s play-by-play commentary while the two women went down on each other. In one instance, he zooms in on one girl’s va-jay-jay and, with a juvenile laugh, asks “where’s the beef?”
Oh, Screech.
In another scene he asks one of the girls to put a bridal veil on whilst eating out the other girl. This is when we find out that this is her bachelorette party, and the girl she’s going down on is her maid of honor. Dude. I mean, I know everyone’s entitled to get crazy at their bachelorette party, but if I were a guy and found out my bride-to-be let Screech bang her while sucking off her maid-of-honor, that just might be a deal breaker, yanno?
Technique: Ever hear the phrase, “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean?” Clearly, Dustin has not. He relies on his size far too much, so his technique is seriously lacking. He basically just stands behind the girl thrusting, and that’s about it. The chicks were impressive, and way more into each other than the Screechman (big surprise). This obviously was not the first muff diving expedition for either, and it shows.
The verdict: Skip it. Way too long and ultimately disappointing.
Kim Kardashian and Ray J:
Film: Kim Kardashian, Superstar
Synopsis: At the time the tape was made, reality star Kim Kardashian and marginal rapper Ray J were in a long term relationship, and this is just them sexing it up in a hotel room. But read on – it’s hotter than it sounds.
What’s good: Everything. The tape is hot: Kim and Ray J are both really young, really good looking and are obviously very into each other. And of all the celebrity sex tape starlets, I would say Kim is arguably the prettiest and has the most personality. Her soft voice is really hot when she starts moaning and groaning whilst getting pounded by Ray J’s more than ample girth.
The best part? Someone in this video actually cums…and it’s the woman, even better!
What’s bad: We don’t get to see nearly enough of Kim’s soft, curvy body. Her breasts are visible for just a few seconds, and we never get a clear view of that legendary ass. I do have to applaud the lack of gyno shots in this video however, because between Paris, Britney and Lindsay, I am SO over looking at shaved celebrity snatches. And as impressive as Ray J’s body is, he seems more into himself than her, constantly pointing the camera at himself and making funny faces while getting blown by his luscious lady.
Technique: The fact that these two are young and in good shape helps keep their momentum going throughout the whole movie. Kim gives a mean blowjob, using lots of hands and tongue, and constantly looks up to make sure her man is enjoying himself. Ray J sure knows how to put it down; the doggy style scene was so hot, any red-blooded woman would trade places with Kim in a second.
The verdict: Check this out for sure!
Paris Hilton and Rick Soloman:
Film: One Night in Paris
Synopsis: Arguably the second-most notorious celebrity sex tape, this is just Paris and then boyfriend Rick Solomon having a long, boring romp in a hotel room. Yawn.
What’s good: As annoying as Paris is, she is indeed gorgeous. And her outfit – a black lace bra and panties, thigh highs, heels and pigtails – is downright sexy. One of the first scenes where Rick is going down on her is pretty hot, mainly because it’s one of the few times she seemed into what’s happening; the panting and moaning on her part was pretty boner-ific.
What’s bad: Oh geez, where do I start? Other than Paris getting oral, the video is way long and waaaaaaaay boring. One night in Snoozville would have been a more appropriate title. The night vision is creepy, especially because it makes Paris look even younger than she was at the time (a ripe ol’ 19 to be exact). Even for 19, she’s pretty immature. In one scene, Rick pulls out a dildo and says “Say hello to my lil’ friend” (so very original, I know) before throwing it at Paris, prompting her to shriek, “Eeeeeeeeeeew Rick, you’re disgusting!”
Technique: There was no technique. Paris seems completely bored, and more interested in looking at the camera than having sex. In fact, she even stops at one point to answer her ringing cell phone, which, like the rest of the video, is more inadvertently funny than sexy.
The verdict: Watch it once to say that you did, then never waste your time with it again.
Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly:
Film: Tonya and Jeff’s Wedding Night
Synopsis: The now infamous couple celebrates their wedding night in some super classy motel like the Eazy 8.
What’s good: I was eternally grateful to be near a bathroom when I attempted to watch this movie, as the first five minutes made me want to blow chunks. The only mildly entertaining part was the ’80s motif, complete with a tacky wedding dress and Jeff’s awesome ’stache. The whole thing reminded me of cheesy old school porn – the main difference being that at least those guys had big dicks, while Jeff is hung like a teacup Chihuahua.
What’s bad: I’ll be honest, after the first five minutes I had to turn this crap off because it was so horrible I was concerned about permanent damage to my retinas. What little I saw was terrifying, especially Jeff Gillooly’s ass, which I still have nightmares about.
Technique: The two things I managed to see before getting nauseous and shutting my computer down were a very sloppy blow job by Tonya Harding and a really hilarious attempt at 69.
The verdict: I wouldn’t recommend this video to my worst enemy.
If you’re in the mood to check these videos out for yourself, head over to YouPorn.com.